Why, hello there fellow Space Monkeys and also our loyal fan! I'm here to expose the truths behind all those LIES apparent in CK's recent filthy "journalism".

Where to begin?

I began Thursday by donning my Hoagie costume (a.k.a. my regular clothes, only specifically wearing the same t-shirt Hoagie wears, along with a blue cap). We get to the Hilton where it's being held and I make N1NJ4 keep on going (oh, it's N1NJ4, myself, and CK - I feel I should point that out) until we spot a Giant. Get out, and scope the place out. The entrance is not out front. It is back around the side and hidden and not marked because FUCK customers.

We had a plan. We needed ice cream. We run off and grab three single-serving containers of vanilla Ben & Jerry's and head off looking for delicious bacon! We grab some yellow American cheese and some Oscar Meyer microwaveable bacon. Head back and pick up a bag of ice to keep all this cold, even though those two lunatics are trying to convince me ice cream will stay cold out in the trunk. Trunk be damned! We're getting this ice, and ain't no man or woman of this Earth gonna convince me otherwise.

So we pay and get ourselves to the convention. N1NJ4 turns off the road onto the roof of the parking garage which is physical insanity, something I would expect of, say, an Elder God. We park and get our gear and head in and spend the next hour in line. We made some pretty decent progress by the end of that hour. We got from one end of a hallway to another. Unfortunately, that was still only about half the distance of the line.

We've now got a half hour until the Gamer Iron Chef competition - of which we are a part - and we can't afford to wait in this line any longer. I head up to the front and ask a girl if there's anything she can do. She has no idea.

Here's what I would come to realize over the course of the convention: MAGFest staff are great people. They're friendly and they're laid-back and they're there to help. That said, they not very helpful when you ask them anything outside of what they've been told to do. And they rarely know where the people who CAN help are at. THAT said... they're still infinitely better than Otakon's staff who know the answer to everything you could ask them, but you'll never hear it when they tell you, due to the 10th level Demon Fire of Hatred spell they just cast on you, which you become too completely preoccupied with to even care how to get to the Dealer's Room.

Although it's true that this occasionally is not the case, you'll still be unable to make out their garbled speech as they'll be too busy devouring you alive to bother enunciating.

Anyhow, what I'm getting as is, she couldn't help me. I go back, defeated, and send CK in my stead to unleash his hidden ability: talking anyone into giving him anything he wants at any time. I assure you, this is an actual power, and not one to be trifled with. Unless, of course, you are I, in which case you trifle with all you see and are the kind of person who, given infinite power, would use it to do things like open doors with your mind before you get to them just because turning the knob seems so... beneath you.

I'm stopping here a moment, because I want to tell you: I'm using my own personal journals as a guide for writing this one. It took five journals to get through Thursday, and I still haven't even finished covering the second paragraph of the first one. Stopping here isn't really helping things, either.

So CK secured cutsies for us, and we made our way to the front of the line and sorted out our badges. Oh yeah. Got me a blue strap and a pink PRESS flag, and the personalization of this thing has begun. We picked up our cooler and bag of cooking equipment (cutting board... sheet... thing, erection-inducingly-large knife, bowls, cups, etc.) and found the room it was being held in and patiently took some seats in the sitting area across from it while we waited for the previous panel to let out.

Meanwhile, we met Team Destructoid who, when I saw their name on the email sent out beforehand, I assumed would give us trouble. Actual official people from a mainstream website, competing against lil' ol' us? But as it turns out, it was simply a group of people who use the site forums and such, most of whom hadn't even been on it in quite some time. Crisis averted. They're good people, though. I don't think I really met anyone at the convention who wasn't, but it was weird shaking hands with opponents in a competition and thinking, 'Man, these are good guys. At least I won't feel so bad on the off-chance that I lose.'

Eventually 4 PM rolls around and the panel disperses and we're invited in. We set our stuff down and found places to lean and proceeded to wait another half hour for everyone else to gather together and get organized. We spent the time examining the foodstuffs sitting on the big, official table behind us (which I incorrectly assumed we'd be preparing our food on until they brought out a bunch of tables and placed them out among the rabble). We took note of the Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal, which had not been on the official ingredients list, and which we (correctly) assumed to be one of the three secret ingredients.

We also met with Todd, from Gamer Geeks, who would more or less serve as our official videographer for the competition. Shared some banter with the judges as they got situated. And most importantly: entertained the crowd! When placed in front of a large group of fellow geeks, I become very animated and loud and it's suddenly my duty, and my duty alone, to make certain that these fine folks are having a damn good time while they wait.

So everything's ready to start. The judges introduce themselves. Let's see, from left to right, there was... well, first off was Hiroki Kikuta's translator who, as far as I could tell, did zero translating during this panel. Which is all fine and well, as trying to decipher Kikuta's facial expressions was probably more fun for everyone, anyways. Next was Hiroki Kikuta himself, creator of the soundtrack to Secret of Mana. Next up, we have Mr. MAGFest himself, Brendan Becker. The guy who started and runs MAGFest. Fantastic lineup, so far.

In the middle, sat one Alexander Brandon who, I regret to say, I'm not familiar with. Wait, let me take a look, here. Tyrian... Tyrian... man, why does that sound so familiar? OH. I just put that on my R4 card the other day (more on that, later)! Well hell, that's pretty cool. Oh wait, he did the music to Unreal, too. Sweet. ...And... and Unreal Tournament and Deus Ex, two of my most favorite games of all time!? Holy Jesus shit! I listen to the main theme and the UNATCO theme all the time! Shit! How did I not get this guy's autograph while I was there!?

Man, I suck.

Sigh.

Anyway, next up is a man whose autograph I did get, because he's suddenly really, really relevant and everybody's hero for the weekend: Jon St. John, voice actor for Duke Nukem. He's got BALLS OF- you already know how it goes. The last two judges were... a guy who's in culinary school, and a guy who competed in the Gamer Iron Chef last year. That's about all I know. If you would like to complain about my lack of knowledge, feel free. It's pretty vast.

Then, not as a judge, we also had Steph, who ran the competition. Pretty important. And there were a couple guys going around with mics investigating everyone's work and announcing it to the judges and room.

So the judges announced a whole bunch of stuff and Steph reveals the secret ingredients. Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal, as we knew. Medium queso, which if you don't know is basically nacho cheese dip with I guess peppers and stuff in it. It's pretty tasty! When they announced that one, CK and I fistbumped, and CK's pretty dumb and doesn't seem to realize his broken hand is broken and I fistbumped it pretty hard so he turned around and "Aaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhh!"d with pain, much to the crowd's delight. And the third one was actually listed in the email sent out: tiny bottles of vodka.

The emailed list of ingredients, by the by, is as follows:

ramen, Oriental flavor
milk, 2%
apple juice
orange juice
eggs, large
bread, white
instant coffee
pop tarts, Strawberry flavor
Mountain Dew
Vodka (mini bottles)
butter, spread
Tostitos chips
mac & cheese
ice
your mom's spice rack

The way the judging worked was each person would have to give each dish (an appetizer, an entrée, and a drink or dessert) a rating of 1-3 in a bunch of different categories. I know there was presentation, but I don't specifically know any of the others. Meanwhile, the set-up was somewhat less... separated. As they could only secure so many of everything, we wound up with two blenders to split between the three of us and only one microwave to share - although we did each have our own George Foreman Grill, which is what I was really worried about.

So Steph had the three team leaders do Rock, Paper, Scissors to see which team is which number. They all picked the same thing several times in a row before Team Lightning Bear finally broke the mold and got first. Then CK and the head of Team Dicks (formerly Team Destructoid) proceeded to pick the same thing something like ten more times, give or take a couple. I was dying with laughter.

Finally, we're ready to start! And... I'm ready to go to bed. It's 7 in the morning. Sorry to leave off right before the story starts but I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT, HUH?

Also, I can't promise the next part of this will be as well-written. My writing ability comes and goes. Oh well! We'll spin that roulette when we come to it!